Under My Skin
We had some old friends stay with us over Waitangi weekend. Peter Taylor was the best boss I ever had though he was somewhat polarising. A lot of people found him difficult to work with, but many others, like me and my wife Franceska who worked with him in another role, thought he was just great.
When we worked together 25 years ago, I probably wasn’t the easiest employee to manage. I was ambitious, pretty sure of myself and tended to react to criticism somewhat defensively. This is called threat response, and it derails many conversations. The ability to provide direct feedback without provoking someone’s threat response is a hallmark of a skilled leader of people, and there was an incident on the weekend that reminded me how good he was at that.
I’ve got a kamado charcoal grill which I enjoy enormously but I can’t say I’ve mastered yet, so the end results are a bit hit and miss. Peter was very interested in the whole process, and actually helped resolve a little technical issue. Unfortunately, the damage was done, as was the lamb. Over dinner, he said “please don’t take this as personal criticism, but the lamb really isn’t very good. It’s overdone and the smoke has swamped the natural flavour”. Others at the table hastened to assure me that it was delicious, but actually, he was right. And I accepted the criticism without defence.
I was reminded of the times that Peter would provide feedback when I worked for him, and why I was so open to it (I’m not always that open to criticism, unlike anyone else I know in the whole wide world). Peter was (is) blunt: after a big meeting with Ministers and senior officials in the Beehive, he waited until we got back to the office, closed the door behind us and said, “please don’t take this as in any way a personal criticism but you really ****ed that up”, and he proceeded to explain why. As I recall, I had a somewhat different view, but the discussion was very much about the approach I had gone with, how it had worked and what needed to happen next. I’m not sure I agreed that I ****ed it up, but I did see how I could have done it a lot better. And I didn’t become defensive, or counterattack or any of the other things I was prone to do, but rather I took the lessons to heart and did it better next time. Just like I spent Monday reading up on how to use a kamado charcoal grill.
With the benefit of the years, I’ve spent in senior management myself and running leadership development programmes for the last several years, I now understand how Peter consistently managed to get under my skin – giving me feedback that made me uncomfortable but doing it in way that allowed me to take it on rather than react and reject it.
He depersonalised it with context – don’t take this as personal criticism. In other words, it’s not about you as a person.
He was utterly direct. There was no ambiguity about his assessment, it was not flannelled or fudged, it wasn’t “sandwiched” with praise, but it was also not laboured, he didn’t go on about it.
He was precise and specific: it was these actions, it was those oversights, and this was the effect they had.
He was willing to be challenged, provided it was constructive, not defensive. He was as open as he expected me to be. All of that was his skill in the moment. But those skills would have been ineffective if it were not for the relationship he built with me over the time we worked together before that moment.
I trusted him. I knew he had my back and that he wanted the best for me. He never lied, he was open to other views, even when he had strong opinions. He listened and affirmed – in the midst of a heated discussion he would say “I accept what you’re saying”, which allowed the discussion to move quickly to where the disagreement was. He never held a position just because he walked into the room with it. He would abandon a position graciously and easily if someone had a stronger argument. He would simply say “I hadn’t looked at it like that”, “how very interesting”.
I knew he trusted me and had high regard for my expertise – he had no interest in competing with me. He pushed me forward at the big meetings, he would express his esteem for me to others, often in front of me. We kept a list of his most memorable sayings, things like:
- "Is this a case of the blind leading the blind or the reverse?"
- "Righto boys and girls, bring in your sleeping bags, we're not leaving until we get this thing done"
- "What do I think about this Mike?"He had clear boundaries. There were places where the discussion stopped. He would tell me I was “nuancing” when I was arguing the finer points (i.e. getting into the weeds). And there were times when he’d say “Mike, when you’re sitting in this chair, you can do it that way. Until then, we’re doing it my way”. Sometimes I would be frustrated and storm off. A couple of hours later he would poke his head into my office and say with a smile “still sulking or are you ready for a sandwich?” Food was always a winner.
He was too much for some people. He was “old school” and had been in some tough roles (he was a leading insolvency practitioner for many years). A lot of people found his views and style abrasive and some took offense.
But here’s what we could learn from Peter Taylor about how to provide feedback and leadership that gets under peoples’ skin in the best possible way:
Frame it at the outset – these days we would say “this is a coaching moment”, but I always smile when I hear “please don’t take this as in any way a personal criticism”.
Keep it about the behaviour in the specific situation, not the person.
Trust that people are trying to do their best.
Help people learn from making their own mistakes – allow them to fail but give them feedback.
Be direct. Give your assessment but don’t labour it. People can draw their own conclusions about consequences.
Be trustworthy in your day-to-day interactions. Your criticism will be easier to hear if you’re trusted.
Be honest in praise and criticism alike.
Let people shine – give them real responsibility and fearless feedback. Be prepared to draw the line.
And fortunately the lamb was delicious as a cold cut the next day.