When you have to endure

We’ve had a hard summer. My wife Franceska had what should have been a serious but routine operation to remove a benign tumour from her brain on December 13. Unfortunately, she was in the 5% risk group – she developed a post-operative bleed which left her left leg and arm almost totally paralysed. She was transferred from Ascot to Intensive care at Auckland Public, and there were a couple of very anxious nights while we waited for the brain swelling to subside.It was a strange Christmas for our family this year, but we were wonderfully supported by friends and family and dominated by a sense of gratitude that she had survived.As soon as she was able (in fact slightly before), she was on the physio’s case, asking for more exercises, more instruction. She couldn’t wait to get to Middlemore Rehab Unit, where they have patients, outpatients and impatients. Franceska was obviously in the last group, and the team responded to her determination and optimism.At our recent meeting with the neurosurgeon, he said he had never seen such a rapid recovery from “dense paralysis” to the amount of movement she has now. She still has months to go before she is truly independent, but there is no question that we will get there.It has been complicated by the fact that her mother required a serious operation a couple of weeks ago, which unfortunately was unsuccessful. She spent 10 days in palliative care before finally slipping away. Franceska was unable to be with her at the end or even go to the funeral, which was all the more upsetting.What have I learned from observing this remarkable woman drive her own recovery:

• Accept what’s happened – waste as little time as possible on negative emotions resentment and anger, and get the tears over quickly
• Accept the positive emotions of grief and loss, which are the flip side of love
• When it comes to rehabilitation, set small goals every day and work hard on them
• Believe. In the first couple of days she had moments of doubt that she would ever walk again, but from the first sign of improvement, she has believed she will recover at least 90% of her functionality
• Have a place to go when it all gets too much. She has a series of Donna Leon’s Brunetti books that she retreats to when she does not want to be brave and determined any more
• Relinquish control. It was disorienting for us to be unable to plan or direct our lives in the first few weeks. We had no choice but to take it one day at a time. Now that we have some control back, it is a matter of pacing: too much activity leads quickly to fatigue

It’s been a scary time. The first and most important principle of The Breakthrough is health, family and work – in that order. This has been up in lights for us this summer.As always, there is a gift in this adversity. For one thing, it’s brought a new depth and intensity to our relationship. For another, we have had to manage our expectations. No matter how much we might want fast improvements, recovery just takes time. We have to accept that reality, but at the same time maintain motivation. The gift is that we’re learning how to be patiently impatient.